WHO I WANT TO BE

Ooh shiny
Ooh shiny
Carrie Bradshaw's moppet
Carrie Bradshaw’s moppet

You can like the life you’re living. But are you living the life you like? Well, I can only speak for myself. And no, I am not. I am not ungrateful. I am not discontent. I couldn’t have a fuller life. But some things are just amiss.
I am not trying to offend my parents, boyfriend, friends- well, maybe my enemies. It is almost unfortunate but my life is not one I like. This I was always aware of but after a night on the town, I became even more aware. Any more awareness and I would be omniscient.
We all have those moments in our lives that are dismal and supremely unsatisfactory. You don’t have the shoes you wanted, the car, the man or woman, the job etc. There are times when what you have falls short of what you had in mind. Other times what you desire is completely inexistent or unreachable or unaffordable. Your life just looks like a flawed work of art, here something is off and there something is jagged.
In my life, this has happened many times. But after that night… it all became abundantly clear. To clarify, I am not some petite bourgeois. I am a material girl. Madonna would be proud. Big numbers excite me and shiny things make me drool. If something is so fancy that I can’t pronounce its name then it should have my name on it. I am not shallow; I am just luxury-oriented. I blame my parents. Mama bought me nice things growing up. Papa buys me nice things now that I’m a grown woman- almost.
But this friend (who was footing the enormous bill), he has something I want now more than ever. In the cosy bar of the Explorer, with a live band playing an amalgamation of latest hits and timeless classics, I realised I wanted more for myself by my hands. The menu of the place was fascinating. They had cocktails that cost more than my phone, cigars that cost more than my entire hair budget for the year and a bottle of scotch that could easily be the down payment for a second hand Range Rover. I was like a desert animal in a storm and I could barely afford a drop to drink. And I want to. I want that option.
I want to drink Kes. 5,000 drinks and not worry about budget dents, owing people money or looking like a classless wannabe who is all show and no tell. I believe Lady Jaydee called him Yahaya.
I understand that there are many things that appear very wrong with that picture but this is the part where I redeem myself. I want to work for it. I want to earn it. That night, as a pedestrian witnessing the nigh time delight of a Porsche owner, I have to concede there is no stronger kick in the behind as a motivator. I don’t even have a game plan. I have no concrete ideas, beyond looking for a job. I am currently legally unemployed. Did that work? Does it sound better than jobless? And I am almost perpetually broke. Being just out of college does that to people. However, Stephen R. Covey said, Begin with the end in mind. See? I told you I’m not shallow. One day I will afford a cojiba and not blink an eye. I’ll order thousand bob steaks for my freeloading friends and hope my enemies choke on them. Someday it will be my platinum visa card footing the bills. Mama and Papa will be delighted when I buy them the shiny things. It’s only fair, right?
I want a life where I can reward myself. I want to be unapologetically successful. I want to spoil my little sisters to the chagrin of my father. I want to make my acquaintances envious. I want my enemies suicidal. A life like Carrie Bradshaw’s: with the shoes, cosmopolitans, a Manhattan apartment and being a little famous. I could do without the heartbreak, promiscuity or the big hair. That moppet freaked me out.

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12 thoughts on “WHO I WANT TO BE

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  1. We limit ourselves by dreaming “just”….finally a big dreamer like me. You have to want it more to initiate acquisition. We definitely arriving there…Awesome piece Mari.

    Liked by 1 person

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