Things aren’t going well in the world of pedestrian. I have hit a snag in the quest to afford Manolo Blahniks. And I am not handling it well. Regardless, it’s to be expected. There’s a reason why Rome wasn’t built in a day.

After careful consideration, I have come to the conclusion that I need another wealth gathering mechanism that is almost fool proof. My job isn’t as secure as a lactating mother’s breasts in a wonder bra. And that is never comforting. So I have to look for avenues to generate income that have a higher probability of giving me guarantees.

Another 9-5 job is out of the question because I already work 8-5. Perhaps I could get a night shift job but I don’t think my man would find a walking dead girlfriend attractive. So for the sake of my sanity, I can’t work 16 hour days. I am not super human and I am charmingly lazy.

So what’s a girl to do? In my extensive and properly conducted studies (read browsing Forbes) I have realised there are three ways to become a billionaire, with a few exceptions.

Money Money Money


The first method is to inherit it. A significant number of the world’s billionaires got their chunks of money by getting it from mummy and/or daddy dearest. Neither of my parents has shown inclinations of having stashed billions so I can’t really rely on this method to amass my fortune. My boyfriend doesn’t yet have a stock portfolio worth killing over so, on to the next one…

The second method of “billionairism” is investment. Folks like Warren Buffet got large chunks of cash and bought into the stock of succeeding companies. Berkshire Hathaway has controlling shares in companies like Coca Cola and Wells Fargo. Local billionaires who have been featured in the Business News bulletins also went through this process. It requires a study of the stock exchange and an intricate knowledge of the securities market. You have to have a nose for where the money moves quickest and know where and when to roll your dice. Now considering I just lost money to the Bournemouth win over Liverpool this weekend- I can’t gamble with millions. It would also be very poor form for me to try the stock exchange since I used to think the Nikkei Index was a weight loss regimen and that Dow Jones was an architectural designer.

The third and final main procedure for “billionairism” is innovation/ invention. The young bloods flood this field with their new and bright ideas. Founders of products like L’Oréal and Mars Bars are rolling around in their billions for introducing something new and needed by the unimaginative masses. Look at Bill Gates, the late Steve Jobs, Mark Zuckerberg, Elon Musk, and Evan Spiegl… They have all dipped into the profitable creativity train and come up with something that our little minds couldn’t have ever foreseen needing. I am sure the caveman who made the stone spark lighters must be rolling in his caveman grave wondering if he had missed out on making his caveman millions.

There are exceptions such as JK Rowling and Oprah who have made their billions via the entertainment industry. This is a combination of method 2 of investment and 3 of innovation. They invested in themselves then reinvented shop worn ideas and dressed them in new and shiny clothes that have become as timeless as a Chanel suit. I defy you to say you haven’t met at least ten Harry Potter fans or at least five people who love Oprah out of every few hundred you commute with. And there are people like Richard Branson- who you can’t really ever fully explain how Virgin became a multibillion dollar conglomerate.

Having deliberated over these measures, I have realised that I don’t have much chops to become a billionaire via these methods. The closest I ever came to inventing was when I put tape beneath my socks to allow me to walk around comfortably without soiling them. That was quickly put on the back burner as there is already an invention to help with that. It’s called the sandal. I have tried to mix some spices that can be used to fry chicken like Colonel Sanders but my mixture ended up tasting like maize flour with too much salt and Royco.

I have then come up with an idea that has an almost 90% success rate based on online skimming of their respective websites and fan base sites. I am talking about wrestling. And not the competitive punchy kicky kind that could get me a fatal head injury. I’m talking about the showmanship types with large gaudy belts the size of my gut and skimpy outfits. The one we used to watch as kids on KBC.

WWE is what I am talking about. I can come up with my own league but that’s too much work and insurance forms. So I am thinking of signing up to become a gimmick on WWE. Since I am a chubbier tanner version of Katy Perry, I think I am cute enough to make action figures out of. After a coupla years’ work out and training, I can sign up, be the most adorable wrestler to attempt a cross body and have hordes of people show up just to watch me get beat up or beat up on someone else. Life has already done a fine job of it on me so far. I already have 24 years of practice. Now tell me, how does The Pedestrianator sound as a stage name?



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