Picture this. You have a child. He is young, impressionable and stupid. Let’s call him Ozymandias. If he were in a medieval movie, he would be assigned the moniker “Prince of Idiots”. Because he really is a bloody idiot. The kind of moron who would have light pass through both earholes without encountering any obstacles. The one who would be called kichwa uji by that cantankerous Agriculture teacher. The one who would be awarded the Most Improved reward for finally getting a D in Math. Yeah, a real bloody idiot.

Now at first, Ozymandias is a sweet boy who does whatever you tell him. But one day, he meets these young fellows who are a bit- different. They have patchy skin, dark as burnt charcoal with clothes that went through some kind of burning of their own. They are extremely sketchy to your paranoid ass. And every time Ozymandias is off to play with them you can’t help but watch through the window. Wincing every time one of those grubby little children soils your precious Ozymandias’ palm during a high five.

One day, you ask Ozymandias to do something and he talks back. It’s not rude. But it’s- unexpected. Sweet little compliant Ozymandias is growing a spine. He is also getting a sense of adventure. He’s becoming inexplicably different. But wait! You have an explanation! It’s those kids! Yes, they’re ruining your precious boy.

In a fit of ill-advised parenthood, you decide to talk with Ozymandias.

“My sweet boy,” you tell him, “I don’t want you playing with those children anymore.”

“Why?” he asks, in the spirit of his new found rebellion.

“Because I am your parent and I said so.” You want to say. But you don’t want to seem like a tyrant. So words come out of your mouth, sparing you the hurt that would come upon your child’s face should you decide to act like a despot.

“Because, those children are dirty. They’re not from around here. And such children are the ones who steal and spread diseases. You could get typhoid even!” you exclaim, marvelled by how brilliant you are. But your child isn’t looking at you like a rebuked son. He isn’t looking at you like one who appreciates the wisdom of a parent. He’s looking at you with shock and horror. Why? Poor Ozymandias simply can’t believe his own parent could be so poisonous. So bigoted. So ignorant.

So forgive that “brief” prologue because I was trying to set the mood- if you will.

Last week, news broke that an American woman wanted to leave her husband of 18 years for a 26-year-old Kenyan boyfriend- Kevin, from Kisii.

That was all well and good. Y’all know how liberal I am about these things and honestly, if the woman wants out- let her go. It’s still her life. Last I checked, this was 2017 and unhappy women were allowed to leave marriages that they no longer found satisfactory.

But that’s not what I want to rant about. See, this “distressed” family decided to go on Dr Phil to see if they can persuade the woman not to come to Kenya for her online lover.

Her family, in particular, was very worried. And like any worried parent, they were rather distraught over the fact that their precious little Sarah (a fucking grown woman) was willing to leave for Kenya by February 2018.

To prevent this and explain most of their worry, they said some rather unsavoury and untrue things about Kenya.

And guess what?

I’m a very angry Kenyan right now.


This is my angry face.


Sarah’s husband, an innocuous man who could blend into old people’s home furniture, was worried that Kevin was out to con Sarah out of money and a Green Card. That seems like a fair concern. But then, he went on to add that precious Sarah could be eaten by lions and jackals.

First of all, there are no lions and jackals in Kisii. Get your geography and wildlife straight.

Then Sarah’s mother, an elderly woman whose wizened face looked like leather left out in the sun for too long, bawled her eyes on national television expressing how worried she was for her daughter (same grown ass woman from earlier). The mother went on to say that her conscience can’t allow her daughter to get on a plane to Kenya because of what she knows about the place. The terrorism and the disease would be too much for their precious Sarah.

This ridiculous family went on to add how they were anxious about how Sarah could end up sold into the sex slave industry and could end up raped or murdered.

When I heard these remarks on an American TV show, I expected some level of appalment. Some kind of reaction from conscientious people who would oppose the wild accusations about my motherland. There was no reaction there but there was plenty of reaction here.

So for this ignorant American family so worried about their daughter coming here, I have a few things to educate them on. Really you dear American family, get what’s wrong with my country right.

One of the major problems is grand corruption within the country. A problem an America under Trump should be sympathetic to. Another major problem is insecurity in low-income areas owing to the political “hiccup” the country is going through.

Since all you seem to know about Kenya is that there are man-eating lions and jackals roaming about and rampant terrorism and disease, I suggest you visit your wypipo media sites that have an Africa at the end. You can get a better picture. And should you want to know even more about the land your daughter wants to leave her husband for, I suggest you look it up on THE FUCKING INTERNET. Don’t go spewing rubbish about a place you are so remarkably ignorant about.

Now, this is where it gets tricky so take out a notebook and mark this down or use the highlighter app. What Kenya is going through right now doesn’t directly affect the entire nation. It would not put your daughter in some kind of special Hollywood-esque state of jeopardy should she want to go start a farm in Kisii with her new young lover. Kisii isn’t where Taken was set in. She’s not going to be sold into the sex slave industry.

Get this, lions and jackals are found in the game parks and reserves.

We haven’t had a major terrorist attack in two years.

Disease is a problem everywhere but Kenya isn’t on some kind of outbreak watch list. We aren’t the next inspired-by-true-events Contagion type movie about to crop up.

My point is, my country isn’t perfect. We have our issues. But you had to go on a TV show to make your daughter dump her boyfriend- check the mirror people- you’re the one who’s got more problems that a snake in an eagle’s nest. For fuck’s sake, if you’re gonna speak shit about somewhere, make sure it smells right. Or you know- that it’s accurate. Sheesh.




Add yours

  1. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! I kept laughing in several places throughout your article. Each article of yours seems to be better than the previous one.
    However, I should like to inform you that the majority of Americans (not Asian-Americans) know little about the history or geography of other countries. Not only that, they hardly know anything about other US states either. I am talking from experience as I have lived in three American states for a total duration of more than five years.
    It is good that you vented your feelings regarding insensitive Americans. However, it is a pity that hardly any American with the exception of Jeffrey Keeten are going to know about this. I think Mr Keeten should post this on his Facebook for public viewing.
    Carry on writing.

    Liked by 1 person

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